Mind.

There’s been a lot on my mind lately.  Mainly because I just want everything to make sense again.  I feel like I’m getting in that rut I was in when I was working at Bechtel.  I’ve gotten used to the quietness of the place now.  Before it used to REALLY bug me but now it doesn’t.  Same goes for being at home.  I kinda like the stress of being unsettled and settling into my place.  It gives you something to do but also it makes you broke.  In addition to that, I have this stupid exam that I can’t ever seem to get a handle of because I can’t guess passed my damn fundamentals.

Before I am 30, I am hoping to get these huge hurdles out of my way because that is the point of your 20s.  Get all the kinks out so you can start living the rest of your life.  The first two decades of your life is to prepare you to be an adult and think responsibly.  Not just mechanically, methodically but also realistically.  Once you graduate from higher learning, you are set free to make decisions on your own and get paid for it.  Sure there are some people not made for college and that’s because they think differently.  They sorta get it, whatever “get it” means to them, they made it work and that’s their prerogative.

I feel so clueless sometimes in my field of work just because I wasn’t “trained” persay so I’m not sure exactly how do certain procedures.  A lot of people I work with are traditionally electrical engineers first and get introduced into controls and instrumentation afterwards.  What gets me is that I’m COMPLETELY clueless when it is swapped around.  I know nothing about LV, MV motors, switchgears, transformers and lighting.  I’m surprised that I at least know that much now.  I was never exposed to that stuff and when I try to say that I’m interested in it, they don’t want to take the time out to teach an old dog new tricks.

I remember when I was laid off, I tapped into this creativity side of my brain that was ridiculously exciting.  I wrote, I networked, I became a people person that people wanted to listen to and I kinda enjoyed my life but I was broke.  How do you find a medium between that?  How do you procure your ideas and ambitions?

I don’t mind learning but the environment is detrimental to my success in that sense.  When I feel like I “should” know something but I don’t, my ego gets the better of me and I pretend that I get it and spend that time trying to figure it out myself.  I can see when it gets annoying when you ask too many questions but then when you don’t ask questions, people ask why you didn’t.  It’s just the nature of it.  I need to stop thinking so personally and just get the damn shit done.

Living in Austin for 2 years this upcoming July, I really love this city.  I don’t know why but if the people I cared about the most were around here, I don’t think I would leave much except for vacation and such.  There’s getaway spots here and if you want something to do, well there’s something to do.  Just wish I had more people that I can relate to be around me.  When I pass my exam and evaluate my position at work, I want to get my PE and decide what I want to do from there.  How can I get into a business that I WANT to be in but don’t have the background experience to persue and make a decent salary without digging a hole for myself?  At that point, I will have senior experience regardless of what industry it is in.

Do I want to move somewhere else?  Portland?  Seattle?  Kinda depressing but for some reason, Portland has piqued my interest.  Also maybe Chicago but I’d have to be raking in some dough so I can live in the city.  I’ve considered Florida until the last couple of times I was there and it’s just weird to me.  I would try the east coast but that’s a money pit.  I could live in NY for a short time but I don’t see any long term goals there.

I want to be confident with my life choices again but right now, I’m complacent and comfortable.  I guess the one time I talked to my dad really hit me and has made me anxious every since.  I hate that it came at such a good time in my life where I was sleeping at night soundly and happy with shit but then he always knows these certain things to say to get under my skin and make me re-evaluate.  I guess he noticed something I didn’t so kudos to him for that.  His intentions are there but his approach is kinda asinine.

I have hopes for my future but I hope that they aren’t well…always just hopes.  I need to make things happen.  That’s the thing about life.  Make goals and do things to reach them.  Lazy work doesn’t get you anywhere and I don’t like doing lazy work.  But I need to be inspired/motivated and that’s when I shine.  Make me feel like I’m doing something that’s making a difference.  Anyway, kepe your head up and I’m glad I have people in my life that keep me afloat.  Otherwise, I’d be a depressed kid for no reason.  Jump the hurdles and keep going.  Cuz what else is there to do?

Just stop being lazy with your life.

It’s fun playing volleyball during the week though.  Maybe I just need more shit like that.

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